runaway

Ran away to Seattle for the weekend to visit my forever person, Justine. Home was just too hard to handle. She created the ultimate distraction from the explosion that is my life at the moment, and I seriously can’t thank her enough for keeping my mind in other places. I wish we could’ve spent two more days running around the city, scarfing down Mac and Cheese and venturing to the top of the world on the Space Needle.

Fun fact on this scarf: I nabbed it for $1.50 at a killer GAP sale. According to my mother, gingham is very “in” right now – which makes it affordable AND trendy – a deadly combination.

While I was in Seattle, Justine told me a quote from a Grey’s Anatomy episode that keeps resonating with me. It’s literally running on repeat in my head and I just wanted to share it here, because it’s important and I like to share important things with anyone who is willing to listen:

I feel so stifled and so muted right now. Like I don’t have the ability to write or to talk or to scream and let my actual thoughts be thrown into the universe. Just know that I’m going through a pretty rough time right now – there’s A LOT that is on my mind – but it’s important to recognize when priorities need to change and when you need to accept the fact that you have to place yourself first again.

Adding to all that fun business, I’m getting admitted into Santa Monica Hospital tomorrow morning at 8am for a 10am Nissen Fundoplication surgical procedure. This is that hernia surgery that I had mentioned about a month back. I’m going through with it – and it’s tomorrow! – and I AM FREAKING OUT. I’m going to be pretty transparent about my experience with the procedure here on the blog, since I’ve been desperate for information and would’ve done anything to hear a testimonial from someone my age who has had it done (maybe someone in the future will come across these posts and I’ll be able to provide them with some peace of mind)!I have to keep telling myself that this surgery is going to be for the better. That it’ll make me happier in the long run. It’s an actual solution to some of the problems on my plate at the moment and even though it will hurt, it’ll be for the greater good. A better quality of life is a good thing (BUT WHY DOES IT HAVE TO HURT!?)!

Needless to say, I literally feel (for lack of a better word) like shit.

I feel like I’m at the lowest point of my life; like this is the darkest it has ever been. I feel lost. I feel confused. I feel sad. I feel hurt. I feel like I’ve been kicked and ignored. I feel like my entire life has exploded and everything is inside out and upside down.

All I can do is hope that everything really does happen for a reason and that I will come out of this darkness stronger and more capable than ever before. The surgery needs to be a positive thing. A fresh start, a new beginning at a new life – free from issues that are holding me back to living to my full potential.

I probably won’t be able to sleep at all tonight, just thinking about everything.

Send some good juju my way, please. It would be much appreciated right now.