on positivity

Right now, at this exact moment, I’m battling a severe, emotional pain in my chest that feels like something I’ve never quite experienced. I don’t think I have any tears left. That being said, and at the insistent urging of my mother, I ventured to my first therapy session in almost ten years this afternoon.

Needless to say, I was crying before I even walked into the room. My mother, being the woman who she is, had already called the therapist and filled her in on the gist of my current situation (which, for my own sake, I won’t relay here) – allowing me to bawl my eyes out for the first few minutes that I sat on her soft, leather couch.

But then – something extraordinary happened.

“Tell me what you like about yourself, Allie.”

I kind of sat there, dumbfounded at her question. I had never really thought about something like that before. What did I like about myself? Like, really? What is good about me?

 I looked at her with her crazy glasses and purple, sparkle Toms (this woman looks like a grey haired Edna Mode) and said the first thing that came: “My brain. I like how I think about things. I like how I analyze and consider every situation. I like that I’m sociable and I make friends easily. I like how I surround myself with people I love. I like that I know what to say in a conversation. I like how I stick to my values and my morals and I like that I won’t change my convictions just to make someone else happy.”

She kind of smiled at me, this little, wacky lady, and just said, “I believe the term you’re looking for, is that you’re authentic.”

And it floored me. Like seriously, I had just been in this room crying out my eyeballs because I was so distraught over this event that happened less than 24 hours before – and then she goes and says that. And all of a sudden the heavens opened up and it was like, BOOM. Validation. After all this time and after all these months of me fighting to have my voice heard – this little Edna Mode in her purple Toms GETS it.

Then we proceeded to discuss how she thinks we should use therapy sessions to focus on the positive. She wants to use the time to lift me up – she said I’m an anxiety filled stress ball, but we can get to the bottom of it and help me learn about what I’m capable of. She said she thought I had the mind of an entrepreneur, a businesswoman – and that we should focus on getting me to see that.

“I’ve never worked for anyone but myself,” she said, winking.

I left her office and my heart didn’t ache as much. And then I got in the car and it was raining (better the sky than my eyeballs, right?) and I opened the windows and blasted my favorite Bleacher’s song (I WANNA GET BETTERRRRRR!) – and I felt like I was alive. Like, REALLY alive – in the sense that something clicked inside my brain: POSITIVITY. You have to have hope. You have to remain positive that the light is always there at the end of the tunnel. No matter what happens. Whether my current situation rectifies itself (I hope), or not, positivity is the answer.

I feel like I’ve been sleepwalking, and it’s because I’ve been in such a state of “Ohmmmyyygodddd – is this all there is?????” I roam the aisles in the same stores that I visit every weekend – and feel like a Zombie. I lay in my bed watching episodes of shows that I’ve already seen. I eat the same chicken burrito multiple times a week. I drive to a job that doesn’t excite me every. single. morning. I just feel numb – all the time. You know Edward Norton’s character in Fight Club? Yup, me. I’m just on this BLAH path – and all of a sudden, I’m not anymore.

I think the key now, what I need to focus on the most, is self-love. It’s applying positive energy to every aspect of my life – and crossing fingers that that same positivity is infectious to those I love. You’ve gotta have that hope, you know? That it’ll all work out okay in the end and if it’s not okay, it’s not the end. This whole situation has shown me how I’m surrounded by SUCH incredible and kind and extraordinary human beings – who support and love me, and believe that I am capable. (Seriously, my phone has been ringing off the hook and I came home from work today to that beautiful bouquet pictured above…)

I guess, it just takes admitting that to myself.

I’ve been listening to the new Mumford & Sons song on repeat (I’ve played it probably thirty times today), and I guess some of the lyrics are just really applying to my current situation: