Once today is over (Feb 14th // Valentine’s Day), I will have officially made it through every holiday throughout this first year of being single. Hallelujah!! Granted, considering the nature of the holiday, this one may the be the toughest one yet. My friends and I planned ahead – “Galentine’s” Day brunch (aka booze) and a chick flick. Basically, drowning myself in as many people as I can in order to distract myself as to the fact that I’m single on this holiday for the first time in my adult life.
I know it’s been a while since I’ve really sat down and wrote something substantial on here. Usually I need to be inspired (prompted) by something that has been happening in my life – an event or a person or a drunken wine night at home where the words just start oozing out of my fingers. The past few months, however, have been less of me throwing myself into things, as it has been learning how to just go with the flow and learn to stand on my own two feet.
As a result, there have been less shocks to the heart, if you will.
For example: a guy doesn’t text back? Whatever. Just shake it off and walk away.
This isn’t me saying my new outlook on life is just to roll my eyes and walk away from things that don’t go the way I want them to. It’s just that I’ve discovered that I’m putting less emotion into circumstances that I know are out of my control; which is huge, if you know me. I know I have no control over if a guy likes me. I have no control over how fast I excel in my career. I have no control over people, or how they act and feel in situations.
I HAVE NO CONTROL.
(Tell yourself that over and over again and it will honestly change your life…)
So what’s the point in getting emotionally upset over circumstances that I cannot do anything to change? As a result, I’ve taken steps to take control over aspects of my own life that I KNOW I can change. I was getting annoyed and desensitized by social media, so I deactivated my Facebook. I was getting jaded by dating apps, so I deleted most of those, too. I was getting uncomfortable with my body, so I created a meal plan for myself. I decided I wanted to spend 2016 traveling the US, so I’ve been booking trips all over the place in order to accomplish this.
There are elements of this life that I DO have power over, and in that sense I can attempt to create my own happiness. For the first time in my life, I’ve realized that I don’t have to depend on others to make me happy. I can do it all by myself.
Hence the title of this post : “On learning how to fly solo”.
I’ve learned SO many lessons throughout this past year. I’ve kissed a lot of guys. Drank a lot of alcohol. Spent too many late nights in bars. Ate a lot of cheese fries. But I’ve also been given the opportunity to do things that I never would have done had I been in a relationship. There’s been more growth these past 365 days than in the past seven years of my life, and for the first time EVER, I’m learning how to spread my own wings and fly on my own. The more I look back on this year (and my god, it’s almost been a YEAR), the more I realize I wouldn’t give up this “me” time for anything. This has been the most pivotal learning experience – the good and the bad – and I wouldn’t trade this period of my life for all the Valentino Rockstuds in the world.
There’s a great quote from the Sex and the City movie that I keep reciting in my head.
Samantha says to Smith : “I love you, but I love me more.”
The notion that you can love someone, but you HAVE to love yourself more. You have to stand on your own two feet and you have to be willing to BE BY YOURSELF in order to find your own happiness. Cause God knows, if you’re solely looking for happiness in another person, you’re always going to be disappointed.
So on this Valentine’s Day, I stand here a single woman. And I’m 100% okay with that.
I was just in Boston, Massachusetts for work. During my down time, I put in my headphones and walked around the city by myself. I had a great song blasting in my ears and I just observed as much as I could. I trekked around the city with a map and a willingness to get lost and it was such an incredible experience. I was alone, I was cold, I was wet. I was exhilaratingly happy.
Now I get why Eat, Pray, Love was such a success.
That being said, my heart still hurts A LOT of the time. There are moments where I have to close my eyes and take some deep breaths in order to make it past a memory, or a smell – something that triggers that small place in my heart where I used to hold so much love for another person. It hurts a lot. When you invest seven years and a vision of a life with a person, it’s supposed to hurt. That’s how you know the love was real. If I could tell my ex one thing, it would be that once upon a time, I loved him madly and that love was 100% real. And I hope that one day he can truly find himself (the good, the bad and the ugly), and that in doing so, he would find sublime happiness in carving out his own independence.
I’ve discovered how much BIGGER my heart feels now. I refuse to use to the word strong, because I don’t feel strong the majority of the time. I find that I have more weaknesses than strengths, but I think a lot of growth takes place when you spend time trying to master and overcome your own weaknesses. Call it the most severe growing pains of my life, but I no longer feel like a child. The girl from a year ago is a completely different woman than the one writing this essay right now. I am not the same person anymore. So whenever I feel sad or heartsick, I just remind myself of that. I’m hard core on the path to finding myself and yes, there may be road blocks and stumbles throughout the way, but I can control my own destiny and my own happiness by doing the things I want to do for ME – and not worrying about how or when the rest of the puzzle pieces will fall into place.
I am better than I was, and I will be better than I am.
Happy Love Day, Friends.
