on accepting yo flaws

Hey friends, it’s been a while…

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I’m a flawed person.

I procrastinate. I drink too much at times and I eat way too much Taco Bell. I push myself too hard and am usually a bucket of anxiety. Sometimes, I hide my face in my phone versus looking up at the sky and chattering with the people around me. I find myself lying to myself to justify bad choices. I gossip more than I should and at times, I can be a little bit hypocritical. Most of the time, I am NOT okay.

I think, in this situation (aka, being 25), it’s a matter of owning. your. shit. and embracing your flaws by letting those flags fly.

I’m more than willing to own up to my mistakes – which usually happens with me laughing sheepishly with my friends over a latte at Starbucks. At this point, with my track record, it’s easier to laugh at how quickly things seem to crash and burn than to spend too much time mourning what could have been.

I was seeing a new guy recently. He was cute, tall and had a very charismatic sense of self (#swag) that attracted me instantly. He was also a few years older than myself, which made me think: Maybe this kind of guy is the kind of guy I should be with. Maybe this is a guy who has his priorities straight. This one even told me he wasn’t going anywhere. Granted, I was wrong and it fizzled out as quickly as it started…with me, bewildered, having to sit there and watch ANOTHER guy play Casper the Friendly Ghost.

This doesn’t include the affectionately dubbed Mr. Meow – a weirdo from Tinder who proceeded to have an entire conversation with me by MEOWING. I’ve never received so many cat emojis in my life – which is equal parts hilarious and disturbing.

Another hilarious one? I had a guy bail on a date because I accidentally deleted him off of Instagram. 

Dating, as I’ve written before, is a bit of a nightmare. It can be fun, it’s a rush – especially if you find someone you click with – but ultimately, from my experience, it’s a LOT of a let down. Because of that, I think it’s incredibly easy to blame myself for when things go wrong. When potential “whatevers” fall splat on the ground, leaving me with a pang in my chest, a mini-heartbreak which lasts for a few hours, it’s just another reminder that I need to make more of an attempt to develop a thicker skin and stop letting these guys in so quickly.

My friends are phenomenal humans. We were in Big Bear and I wound up wine-crying (which rarely happens) at the kitchen table and my girlfriends just kind of sadly patted my thigh and then told me: STOP IT.

They reminded me that I have an incredible mob of people who love me: my friends, my family, my co-workers. And then they reminded me that there is no time limit for healing. That you can’t rush into something to put a hypothetical band-aid over a massive wound, in order to find some sense of normalcy in your life again. This was shortly after one of them literally cleaned up a bleeding cut on my leg because, in her words: “MY FRIENDS AREN’T ALLOWED TO BLEED.”

(Which is, actually, incredibly poignant in a very drunken way.)

Sometimes I do feel like I’m just looking for a way to fill the void. I’ve had a crater of a hole in me since March – and I’ve done everything I could possibly think of in order to try and fill it back up: guys, late nights out, traveling and throwing myself into my work. But again, as my brilliant, tipsy girlfriends pointed out in that cozy cabin in Big Bear – the only way that big, fat hole will fill up again is if I actually spend the time to focus on building myself back up – and putting in the time and effort to make myself the best version of myself that I can possibly be (flaws included).

I bought Adele’s new album 25 on Friday afternoon. I’m one of those people who will buy an album and will listen to it obsessively and memorize all the songs and just let myself fall into the spectrum that it creates for me. But with this album, I got stuck on one song. Seriously stuck. I was sitting at my desk at work and my arms just broke out in goosebumps and I couldn’t. stop. listening.

It was everything I had been feeling in a song ::

This year has been a roller coaster of a year, but if it has taught me anything about myself, it is that I AM FLAWED. From the massive shifting of my foundation at the beginning of the year, to learning how/who/what I want to date, to turning to friends and family, to running around Europe and exploring different facets of myself that I didn’t even know existed. I know my issues. My friends and family know my issues. I keep telling people to slap me in the face with the Truth – because that’s the only way that growth is capable of happening. I didn’t choose this path. It chose me and, at this point, I’m just along for the whirlwind of the ride.

Readers keep reaching out and telling me that my words have inspired them – which is incredibly humbling, but at the same time, I think it just goes to show how important Truth and Honesty can go – and just how much those two simple ideas can resonate with people. I know that I am far from being a perfect person – but in finding, accepting and being open with my own flaws, I have also, finally, started to develop a sense of my own worth.

(And I sincerely hope it has inspired others to do the same!)

I think this new, modern mindset is perfectly reflected in Adele’s lyrics. I’m running and I can FEEL it. We are all incredible beings – filled with so much potential and with so much love to give. I can feel this surge of energy in my body every single day – and I just feel like someday someone will come along who doesn’t just walk behind me in an effort to keep up – but who can actually run along next to me.