I’ve been drafting words in my head for the past month. Just words. Sentences that I pieces together while I’m driving in the car with my windows down and a good song blasting, and then I kind of nod to myself and smile and say “Yes, I’ll write that down.” and then I forget and go on with my life.
But today is Thursday. Which isn’t special in any way. But I’ve had some wine and some nachos and I just had a bubble bath and I feel warm and soft and light and content and of course this is the time when the words start oozing out of my fingertips like chocolate from a lava cake and all I want to do is blast a good song and WRITE – because it doesn’t happen all that often.
I figure that I’ve always been super transparent on here and that shouldn’t stop now. So here goes nothing:
I got dumped in March by the guy I had been with for seven years. A big, fat, horrible, devastating, beautiful dumping that cracked the foundation that my entire life sat on top of. My sister literally had to pick me off the floor on multiple occassions. I thought my life was over; that I would never be the same again. I cried every single day. I cried in the car. I cried in restaurants. I sobbed in the bathroom at work in a little chair in the corner and stared at the ceiling and clamped my eyes together and tried to convince myself that it wasn’t real and it was just a horrible dream that I would wake up from and everything would go back to normal. Naturally, that didn’t happen. And then I went straight from that to the hospital for surgery – which was like adding salt to the literal wounds (five of them, all across my torso), and I honestly never thought I would ever smile again.
My parents had to hold my hands as I sobbed in the hospital bed.
I was sad. I was SO sad. I could actually feel my heart breaking. To put it lightly, IT SUCKED.
But then someone told me that one day I would wake up and it wouldn’t hurt anymore. A VERY wise woman told me that one day I would see the light at the end of the tunnel and I would realize that the light at the end of the tunnel was ME – and that it would completely change my life.
And one day, I woke up. And it didn’t hurt anymore.
I saw the light. Finally. That light at the end of the tunnel.
I looked around me and I just realized how much LIFE there was out there. How much I had to look forward to and how much I was limiting myself by being in such a long-term relationship at such a young age. I lost the guy I thought was the love of my life, but in doing so – I just discovered how much love there was IN my life. There are incredible people – INCREDIBLE people, whom I love and adore more than life itself, who saved me when I was at my lowest point. I got emails and texts and messages that gave me hope, even when I didn’t think there was any hope to be had.
I discovered that there’s so much potential out there. So many endless possibilities that make even waking up in the morning an exciting thing to do.
I’ve been in a relationship my entire adult life. Since I was 17 to age 24. And for the first time, I’m SINGLE. And it’s an extraordinary gift. And I feel so free and so light and I don’t even know – like I’m MY AGE for the first time in my entire life and I can do what I want, when I want – and not have to worry about the consequences of anything. I book my weeks as soon as I can and I’m pretty much only home when I sleep. Vegas and LA and happy hours and Dodger games, the more activities the better. I went on a date a couple of weeks ago and we sat at a table in the middle of an empty parking lot and he looked at me and just said that I seemed genuinely happy. And it’s true. I’m SO happy. In a way that I can’t even describe. It’s like a rebirth, in a way. A phoenix rising from the ashes. (That being said, dating is its own beast that I’m only just now trying to figure out.)
It’s crazy to think that being dumped, which at the time seemed like the worst thing in the entire world, would actually wind up being the best gift that he ever gave me. Cause in doing so, he gave me the freedom of self-discovery – of being able to find myself and love myself and be exactly who it is I’m meant to be, without the fear of disappointing anyone or having to consider another person along the way.
The possibilities of this new life are so endless that there are moments I literally feel like I can fly.
So with that, let me re-introduce myself.
My name is Alexandra Elizabeth Woerner.
Allie.
I am a strong, single woman for the first time in a VERY long time.
And I am LOVING every. single. second. of it.
