Tonight, I bought myself flowers for the first time in my life.
I’ve received plenty of bouquets from family, friends and gents over the years – but even despite myself stopping more times than I can count to admire the pretty petals, I’ve always denied myself the ability to purchase a dozen roses for myself. Tonight, something inside me shifted and I found myself grabbing a gorgeous bouquet and running to the check out stand (with a bottle of pinot noir in hand) before I could change my mind.
I stood there looking at them, with a multitude of thoughts running through my mind, and it occurred to me that I was in complete control of the woman I wanted to become. Did I want to stand there and sigh over the colorful roses – or did I want to just grab them and go, carefully putting them in water next to my bed so I could literally see the independence blooming next to me.
There was one instance several years ago where I stood with my ex and his dad on their driveway, and I started going off (like I tended to do) about feminism and how I could relate to the struggle and how I could see what prompted women to take such drastic measures to make a name for themselves. They kind of scoffed at me and I vividly remember thinking that I needed to calm down and shut up – that I was embarrassing myself. That I was being too vocal about a subject I didn’t know much about.
At that point, feminism was still associated with bra burning and hairy armpits. Feminism and the notion that we are big, bold and could be a god damn #girlbosss hadn’t gone viral yet – and their reaction kind of shut me up for a while. These days though, with so many women taking a stand and putting their feet down – making strong, articulate speeches at the UN, writing songs and shows that feature lyrics and plots that women can ACTUALLY relate to, a woman running for freaking PRESIDENT of the United States (who stands a stellar chance, might I add), being CEOs of multi-million dollar companies, amongst other incredible accomplishments. WE GOT THIS. We can do this.
When I think of women I admire – either real or fictional – there’s definitely a common theme among them. #girlbosses who know how to stand up for themselves, who put a strong emphasis on being independent and standing on their own two feet, yet, at the same time, still show a vulnerability and a distinct femininity about the way they interact with the people in their own universe. Mindy Kaling, Carrie Bradshaw, Hillary Clinton, Sophia Amoruso, Taylor Swift, Tina Fey, Olivia Pope/Shonda Rhimes, Lena Dunham, Emma Watson, my current boss – all women I admire and whom I aspire to be like one day.
That being said, my acclimation into the world of becoming a #girlboss is a difficult one – filled with unknown territories that I haven’t even yet started experiencing yet. It’s hard when you have no idea what you’re doing and half the time you still feel like a kid who is just playing dress up in the world of grown-up. But as I’ve said before, I’m never one to give up on a challenge and I’m the kind of person who, when I set my mind to something, will do whatever it takes to get stuff done.
I guess, at this point, it’s a matter of taking a claim and an ownership over my own life. Knowing that everything I’m doing – I’m doing for myself and for the betterment of my own future. I want the world and I don’t expect anyone to give it to me except for myself. I recently, proudly, started taking over some of the bills that my dad has been paying – knowing that I’m at a point in my life where I’m capable of paying for them for myself. I was recently promoted at work and my boss is an incredible woman who knows what I want and is trying to steer me in that direction. I’ve been looking for apartments, since I know I don’t want to be 25 and still living at home. I’ve been surrounding myself with people who have the same drive and determination within themselves – and we’re able to feed off each other. I’ve genuinely been trying to assemble a plan of attack so that when I’m outside of work, I’m constantly working at bettering myself and creating a portfolio that I can use to sell myself in the future. It’s hard. It’s A LOT of work and a lot of it is just grown up stuff that I’m slowly learning how to come to terms with, but at the same time, it’s incredibly exciting.
It’s hard to say that all these thoughts ran through my head while I sat in front of the roses at the grocery store – since these are all thoughts that are literally running through my head at all hours of the day. I dream about this stuff. I dream about the woman I’m destined to become – and how I genuinely cannot wait to meet her. But today, as I sat in front of those roses, I genuinely realized that I don’t need a man to buy me flowers – I can buy that damn bouquet all for myself.
